What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 00:22
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why am I always so tired and I don't eat enough?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
All the time i was locked up.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
How do I cut off friends that don't contribute to my life?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard a child cry about?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Which is a good budget sunscreen for my oily skin?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .
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She found it foreign!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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So, i spoilt her more .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is soul school!.
Sed autem voluptatibus minima impedit officia ipsa.
I waited trembling.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I think the readers, may guess!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She married twice! .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Comes on , in middle age.
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot live in the past .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He knew the spot.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were not on the streets..
It was going to be , some day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But, we were locked up after school.
I said to her
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Would this be the day?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it wasn’t much.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My life is so biszare .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We all went to grammer schools
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I will be 64.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I have no regrets .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
I was very sick at this time too.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i lived it daily.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
She loved him until the end.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .